


Movement

by Niler



Series: All Change [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 23:11:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3587598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niler/pseuds/Niler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>for you, esther</p>
    </blockquote>





	Movement

**Author's Note:**

> for you, esther

  


Movement

 

 

It feels like an ongoing toothache; the pain’s always there, but since it doesn’t show no-one can look at you and know how much you’re hurting, so you can’t rely on them to be either sympathetic _or_ compassionate.

For the past week he’s been in pain, knowing what’s to come, not at all sure it won’t go from uncomfortable to excruciating before he’s able to get the offending tooth removed, yet forced to live as if the pain isn’t there, isn’t at the front of his consciousness.

Liam, as always, amazes him, amazes him with his ability to do what needs to be done, no matter what, no matter how he feels.

He wishes _he_ could do this, and though he’s learned a lot from both Liam and Harry (Louis and Niall too) he cannot do what Liam does, can go only so far before his mind rebels, forces him into a sort of vague numbness where all he’s doing is going through the motions.

It’s affected his recent performances, his ability to engage with the crowds, his ability to fully enjoy being here, being here with Liam.

He does try, knowing as he does how his moods affect Liam, and it’s important that Liam remains on an even keel, that no-one questions Liam’s demeanour...

He’s been waiting for this for so long and now he’s on the cusp of it it feels surreal, following through with each step of the plan, not truly believing that at last they are here - at the finish line.

He has to keep telling himself not to think about the next few weeks, to focus instead on this time next year, focus on how his life will look then.

It’s the only way he’s able to even _imagine_ getting through this.

 

**

 

They’re still amazed at how easy it is to fool the world; how their team can tell them the plan, inform them how they intend to execute it, tell them how they’ll use the media to spread it, execute it and have the world believe.

It’s how they know this will work – because it has before, has always worked.

It’s just _scary_ that it does, that this is what their world has become, a series of lies, clever manipulation designed to keep the public out – excluded and ignorant yet happily convinced that they are in fact completely in touch with their idols.

He doesn’t like it – in principle – but has become so acclimated to this way of living that he hardly ever gives it any thought, save for times like these when he finds himself in the midst of it, fully complicit in the lie.

But even the knowledge of complicity fails to move him the way he knows it should.

He’s selfish, now, since rough experience has taught him that if _he_ doesn’t look out for Liam, for _them_ , no-one else will, and therefore, any means, any tool he needs to employ to that end becomes acceptable.

When it comes to Liam there is very little he will not do, very little he will not endure.

So he’ll _continue_ to be selfish.

 

**

They’re never able to dance together in public they way they want, so after the club they dance in their room, Liam holding him, moving his body against him in that smooth way he has.

Zayn’s never danced with anyone but Liam this way. It’s like making love – to music – and he _wants_ to do this with him in a nightclub, not because he’s an exhibitionist but because he wants people to see what he has, what’s exclusively _his_.

He isn’t ashamed of his possessiveness, couldn’t change this aspect of his character if he tried, and it’s not that he doesn’t have utter trust in him, he just wants everyone to know that Liam is his.

Liam’s feeling possessive. He hasn’t seen the photos of him and Lauren yet, but he knows, of course, that they’ll surface, so he’s a little fired up.

Liam can sometimes get a little crazy in his possessiveness, but though Zayn occasionally berates him for this he knows he’s being a hypocrite, aware that his level of crazy when it comes to _his_ possessiveness easily matches, often surpasses Liam’s.

So Zayn stands still for it, allows Liam to pick him up, lay him on his back, straddle him, kiss the skin revealed as he undresses him, enjoying the crazy in his eyes as he silently takes back what he decides someone has sought to claim as theirs.

This is nothing compared to the levels of crazy reached after some of the PR sessions with Perrie.

The only thing that had made any of it even a little bearable was knowing how Liam was going to react afterwards.

For the most part Liam would avoid looking for the photos, but whenever Zayn saw him searching, a part of him silently hugged itself in glee, knowing what was to come.

The intensity in Liam’s eyes when they make love is his favourite thing in the world and this is part of what amazes him about Liam, the way he can pretend in public, not allow anyone to see who and what he really is.

Only Zayn ever sees him this way. He knows Danielle never saw it, neither have any of the other girls he slept with have ever seen it. Yet this doesn’t make him feel smug; what they are to each other is above and beyond comparison, so far removed from all those pedestrian interactions that it would be not only unfair, but utterly redundant to seek to.

Liam’s always been sensual, but by now they have learned each other so well that his skill is wholly predicated on his ability to give Zayn exactly what he needs and wants.

The dance, while the steps have been practised so often that they’re second nature, still holds the capacity to surprise and delight, each participant revelling in his capacity to show his partner something new.

He slows him with a hand on the back of his head, brings him down into the desperation of his kiss, knees stroking his sides, silently telling him how much he needs him, how much this means; how it always feels like the first time, how there’ll never be another for him.

Liam knows all this, has ‘heard’ him say it a million times before, but when he lifts him, sits back with Zayn in his lap and kisses him like his life depends on it, Zayn knows that he understands, understands that he can never say it enough and Liam can never hear it enough.

Everything and everyone that seeks to come between them always lead to moments like this; so how can they ever fear their love being affected by things that, in the end, matter so little?

 

**

He’s waiting, waiting for the signal to send the tweet.

They’ve told him what he’s to do, but not what to say, claiming, that ‘you’re a big boy, now, Zayn, you know what to do’. He does, certainly knows what Zayn’s supposed to do, so when he get the signal he gets ready to make the tweet.

Liam’s a little pissed off, having been looking at Lauren’s instagram, building up a head of steam, so Zayn doesn’t think it’s a good idea to consult him about the words they’ll use.

But Liam’s on high alert, waiting for the signal, so when it comes he’s there immediately, presenting a ready-made list of some of the stupidest phrases Zayn’s ever seen, insisting he at least consider using one of them, so in the end he just selects something from Liam’s little list, something from his and puts them together, uncaring what it looks like so long as it does what it’s supposed to do.

“Done. Let’s see how that goes down.” He’s feeling surprisingly calm, not quite sure, however, how he’s _meant_ to be feeling. It feels different from any of the other stunts because it’s the end, and honestly, he is still not quite able to parse that.

Liam pulls him into his lap, takes the phone, tosses it to one side. He’s been drinking pineapple juice – ice-cold - and his kiss is cool and sweet. “How about we watch that DVD you’ve been trying to get me to watch for ages?”

“You’ll have to be more specific. We could be here for hours naming all the DVDs I’ve been trying to get you to watch for ages.” He kisses him on the nose, just because it’s one of his favourite things to do, grinning when Liam grins. He knows Liam’s still puzzled but amused by this obsession with his nose.

“That Bollywood one.”

Zayn sighs, rolls his eyes and starts firing off titles, confident that Liam will be utterly lost.

Liam surprises when he recognises what, yes, is the one he’s been trying to get him to watch for ages. “Yeah that one. You want to? I know you’ve got it.”

“Well, yeah, I always have it with me wherever I go, so you can eventually watch it.” He gives him a playful poke.

“Ow. You pack a bigger punch that you seem to realise,” he protests. “Plus, someone got bit there.” He rubs his left pec.  “An animal attacked him in the night.”

“What type of animal?”

“A tiger.”

“Oh, a tiger.”

“A tiger, a skinny little tiger with claws,” he confirms, rubbing his thumb over Zayn’s tattooed left bicep.

“Well if it’s so skinny how come you allowed yourself to get bit?”

“Cos he hypnotised me.”

“Really? How?”

“By making me look into his eye.”

“You looked into the eye of the tiger.”

“Exactly.” He kisses him again.

“Anyone ever tell you what a prat you are?”

“Yeah.”

“Well that’s cos you are.”

“I know. And that’s why.”

“Why what?” He’s kissing Liam’s neck and chin, getting a little distracted.

“Why you love me.”

“Nope,” he corrects.

“You don’t love me?”

“No, you being a prat isn’t the reason I love you. I love you _despite_ you being a prat.”

“Oh.”

“Big difference.”

“Hmm.” He sits still for Zayn’s exploration, breath slowly getting shallower. “Speaking of big...”

“Oh, really?”

“I dunno, really?”

“Really.”

“Oh okay then, since you insist.”

And Zayn has to laugh because contrary to what he just said Liam being a prat is a big part of the reason he loves him.

And somehow Liam’s managed to take his mind off the next few hours, which, he understands now, had been his goal all along, because Liam’s clever like that, always giving you what you need in subtly creative ways.

 

**

 

“The minute you fucking land, understand?” Liam’s trying to keep it together. He’d been doing well right up until they came for him, and now he’s getting emotional, refusing to loose his embrace, following him to the car, getting in to kiss him again, give him vital last minute instructions.

Zayn cups his cheek, offers his mouth the gentlest of kisses. “The second I land,” he assures him. He won’t let Liam see him fall apart since he knows that’ll decide him that this presages a full on breakdown once he hits British soil, and no-one needs that, no-one needs Liam forced to push through any more layers of deceit to find the guy who can put on a show, so he’ll keep a brave face until he’s alone.

It isn’t even that he thinks it’s going to be that bad, it’s just that it’s going to be stressful knowing what’s going on – even if he’ll be shielded from it.

He only hopes the others have the sense to keep an eye on Liam, ensure he’s shielded too.

Even lies hurt. Even when you’re fully aware what’s to come, know why it’s happening they still hurt, and he desperately wants to guard his friends and family, and since Liam’s his family, uniquely on the sharp end of this, it’s hard to mask this desperation.

“Bye babe, put on a good show for me.” He strokes Liam’s face, unable to resist another little kiss on the nose.

“I will.”  

They both know that he means the band, but also both know that he doesn’t.

He kisses him again, more intensely than is really appropriate given where they are, but it’s so hard to deny himself this, not when he knows how tough things are going to get.

Liam reluctantly lets him go, gets out the car and stands there looking lost as they drive away.

Zayn turns his face away, grits his teeth and consciously visualises them in their home, visualises them this time next year. This is how he gets through the drive and subsequent flight this way, why, when he eventually lands at Heathrow, he’s calmer than he has been for days, week even, ready to endure the coming ordeal.

**

Everything goes smooth as silk, and he’s whisked away to his mum’s home where he knows he’ll get enough tlc over the coming days to choke an elephant.

It’s tough on his mum and sisters and he cannot wait to get them out from under this absurd thing in which he finds himself mired.

It’s time, long past time, for while Liam’s not been called on to get involved with the PR his family haven’t been so lucky.

That’s the worst part of this for all of them – being forced to sit there and watch the people they love compromised, utterly impotent to affect any of it. They signed on for this, willingly paying the price for their fame and fortune, but their sisters didn’t ask to be involved, and he cannot quite forgive himself for being the cause of their hurt at times.

It upsets them to see him upset, just as it upsets Liam’s sisters to see Liam upset. And yet they have to go along with the lie, cannot be allowed to speak out, so as in all organisation that use suspect tactics they blackmail you by ensuring you’re _compromised_ by telling the lie, hands no longer clean, trusting that since you’re aware that any tale you wish to tell will also incriminate you, that’ll be incentive enough to toe the line.

So, it simply has to end, and now, it’s ending. He just hopes that once the dust settles he and Liam will get the smooth path they’re counting on.

They’ll get there, of that he has no doubt, simply wants it to be sooner rather than later.

He sent Liam a text earlier, and is still waiting, figuring that he must have fallen asleep.

Liam’s likely to have stayed awake all night worrying, waiting on him, so is not surprised that he’s fallen asleep now.

Still, he needs to hear from him.

He checks Liam’s twitter, making sure to avoid looking at his.

Liam, as always, is giving nothing away, and Zayn smiles as he reads his tweets, wondering at the way he’s learned to do this. No-one’s better than Harry when it comes to this, of course, but Liam has his moments.

He misses him already.

One thing to be away from him for a day or two, when you yourself have chosen to go where he is not, it’s quite another to be forced away when you’re in the midst of something so monumental, certainly in terms of influencing the trajectory of their future path.

It feels like more than a toothache now, more like an abscess.

He has to touch base with him, has to. Once he’s done that, then he can relax, allow this to play out the way it will.

 

**

He has his own room, of course, but, really, it’s their room.

It has traces of Liam there and, in his current state, is not at all helpful.

His mum had taken one look at his face when he casually told her that no, he hadn’t heard back from him yet, and told him to go to his room, get some sleep.

He does, strips and lays down between the sheets, the bear Liam bought for him two Christmases ago taking his place in the bed as it always does when Liam’s not there. He turns to it, taps it on the nose, smiles.

He’s feeling anxious, unable to stop himself imagining what must be going on in his absence – the tabloids having a field day, gossip sites going wild, the PR machine in full effect. All of it is chugging along without him, and he just wants it to be over, so he can get on with his life.

But that’s not going to happen yet, so he has to endure.

 

**

“You look good, babe. You got some sleep.”

Liam’s looking good too, wearing Zayn’s t-shirt, the bracelet Zayn’s making him wear for protection still on his wrist. He didn’t even question when Zayn told him to wear it. He knows by now how he feels about these things and always goes along with his wishes.

“Yeah – a bit. You look good, too, babe. Hair looks good.”

“Yours too.”

They’re staring intently at each other, not even smiling a the inanity of the exchange.

It feels like it’s been a week since they last spoke.

He definitely knows that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but was it meant that literally; that the absence constituted a matter of hours?

He somehow doubts it. “Miss you.”

“Miss you, too, babe.”

“How’s everybody doing?”

Liam allows himself a bit of a smile. “Niall’s being an idiot.”

“So, what’s new?”

Liam sighs. “I miss you so much. Can we speed this up at all?”

Zayn shrugs. “You and me both, boo. I don’t even know what’s going in the papers.”

“Good. Don’t be daft about this, Zayn. You know what we said-“

“Calm down, babe, I’m just saying, cos it means I don’t know how it’s being taken. Are people buying it?”

“Yes, of course they are. They always do.” He looks angry for a second and Zayn gets ready to reassure him again, but the moment passes. “I miss you. Er, did I already say that?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Well I do. Doing me best, but without you, it’s just not...” He breaks off, looks away, and Zayn recognises, of course, that he’s trying to keep himself together.

“I’m coming back. Don’t care what anyone says-“

“No, don’t. We can’t afford to fuck this up, babe. Ignore me, I’ve just woke up and I’m feeling a bit emo.” His smile is shaky, a shadow of itself, but at least he’s trying.

“You know what it does to me to see you upset.”

“And you know I’d move heaven and Earth to get you back here today! But we’ve got to box clever and not do anything to upset the applecart.”

Zayn snorts. “You been watching another footballer get interviewed? The clichés are coming thick and fast today, babe.”

“Well, at the end of the day, it doesn’t pay to count your chickens, put too many eggs in one basket, try to kill two birds wih one stone.”

“Have you quite finished?”

“finished? Bro, I am just getting started!”

 

**

It’s his mum’s house and they never have sex here, so as tempting as it is to engage in a Skype session with him he resists the urge and eventually allows him to go and get ready for his day, not before, however, getting a promise for him to spend another couple of hours later.

The time difference is a pain of course, but he has every intention of going without sleep to spend a few hours with him.

That’s one of the few things that’ll get him through this, and maybe taking his mind off everything by being his mum’s baby boy for a little while, being big brother for a little while.

I’s so ironic that while he assumed it would be his sexuality, his love for Liam that would cause the most problems with his family, it ‘s actually his supposed relationship with Perrie that’s done that, his relationship with Liam on the contrary greeted with unbridled delight.

They even let him know in no uncertain terms that they think he’s landed on his feet with Liam, all of them proud of him for his persistence in getting Liam to be his partner.

People have idea just how special they are, how _much_ they mean to him - no idea. Buying his mum a house was the very least of it, the very least. They have no idea how much shit they went through on his behalf, how strong they’ve been, how unconditional their love has been.

He hasn’t the faintest idea how he’s managed to get here; how he’s somehow doing what he loves, with the man he loves, his family as in love with his man as he is, with in-laws he adores.

How did a little kid from Bradford achieve all this?

When he think of it this way, the three year long nightmare, now coming to an end, seems a small price to pay.

And he knows that once he gets the green light he’ll be free to start moving on with the next phase of this, taste the freedom he’s been craving for the last 3 years.

And though Liam’s right and he does needs to be careful not to fuck things up at this late stage, he thinks he has enough credit in the bank to get a few more concessions.

So, he’s not going to tell Liam he’s going to try for it, but he’s going to try for it.

All they can do is say no.

But if you don’t try, you can’t win, so he’ll try.


End file.
